Witches Talk
by PhiGirl
Summary: Lockhart is pretty, charming and without a scrap of talent. Snape is unpleasant, unappealing but has a way with spells. It's the first meeting of the duelling club and four professors and the mediwitch decide they want to witness it. And, you know, witches talk … (This is not about the duel itself, only about the witches' discussion about it.)
1. Before

I wrote the dialogue to this some time ago. There will be a second (and last) chapter as soon as I manage to add some text. That will probably be sometime tomorrow.

This is supposed to be somewhat amusing, but then I do have a slightly strange sense of humour. Please tell me if it works.  
If you find any mistakes don't just keep them. Tell me instead what I did wrong. As a non-native speaker/writer/whatever who has no-one to proofread her texts I'm always happy to learn.

Harry Potter was written neither by me nor by a monkey on a typewriter but by J. K. Rowling. Not on a typewriter, I presume. But hey, you never know.

* * *

Gossip spread at Hogwarts with a speed only slightly lower than that of light. It was, therefore, no surprise that only hours after Lockhart had asked Snape to assist him with the duelling club that four professors met in the staff room to discuss the matter.

This time, it was Sprout who set them of with her question, "Why didn't he ask Filius? Everyone knows that he was a duelling champion."

Hooch snorted aloud.

"Pomona, please. That poodle can't even best pixies! He's too much of a coward to choose someone who's any good."

Vector looked at her askance.

"But Severus …", she started to protest.

McGonagall was still somewhat in teaching mood when she replied, "Well, he doesn't want to look ungentlemanly, so he doesn't choose a witch. Hagrid, Argus and Cuthbert are out as well. That leaves Albus, Filius and Severus. And after all, Severus is just a Potions Master and scorns 'foolish wand waving'."

"And was a Death Eater", Vector interjected dryly.

"There's that", McGonagall had to admit.

Hooch's expression distinctly resembled that of the Cheshire Cat as she exclaimed, "I, for one, can't wait to see it!"

"I don't think Severus will agree." Sprout seemed still somewhat unsure.

McGonagall waved her doubts away.

"Oh, I'm sure that Albus will convince him somehow."

"Five galleons say that Lockhart will land himself in the hospital wing", Vector interjected. The arithmancy teacher often suggested bets, but only when the odds were in her favour. The others had caught on to that only weeks after she had joined the staff. Somehow, she now had difficulties to find a betting partner. She never stopped trying, though.

Pomfrey, however, had other concerns.

"So you have all the fun and I'll have to endure him", she complained.

The other witches looked at her somewhat guiltily. Suddenly McGonagall brightened.

"But Poppy, even you have to admit that it will be worth the whining to see him thoroughly beaten."

"Well …"

There really was not much to say against that.

"Perhaps Severus will kill him for us?" Hooch suggested brightly.

"I don't think he will", said Sprout. There was a touch of regret in her voice. "After all, he has yet to harm a student."

"But Lockhart is no student", McGonagall reminded her.

They exchanged malevolent smirks.

"You're right; he's even less intelligent than them", Vector remarked.

It was Hooch who asked the question that had them arguing for hours afterwards.

"So, what curses do you think Severus will use?"


	2. After

So I was a bit faster than I thought ... Here's the rest. Enjoy.

Edit: Had to delete the part I posted twice. Note to self: Selecting text is tricky, especially with touchpad and sweaty fingers. Try to (a) only select text in winter (b) keep a towel at hand (c) buy a fan (of the wind-making kind) (d) eat ice cream before posting.

* * *

As soon as they were out of the sight of their students the teachers stopped, doubling over in laughter.

"I don't believe it!" Hooch exclaimed. She had to lean against the wall to steady herself.

"He really used Expelliarmus –", Sprout began incredulously.

Even McGonagall could not suppress a wide grin.

"That's a second year spell!" she told them even if they all knew it already. "First year really, if they had a competent teacher."

"I don't like that man much, but I can't deny that he's a genius", Hooch had to concede.

Pomfrey rolled her eyes at the other witch.

"And you thought he might use the Entrails Expelling Curse."

"It's like Arithmancy, simplicity is often the most beautiful", Vector gushed.

The others stared at her with a mixture of exasperation and incredulity. It was Sprout who reminded her of their agreement.

"Please, Septima, no equations before dinner. And no talk of arithmancy."

Hooch was concerned about an entirely different point: "How can you even think of Snape and beauty in one breath?"

"He's not all that ugly", Vector protested. "Did you see him move up there?"

Sprout blushed slightly as she agreed, "Absolutely amazing!"

"Pomona, he's half your age!" McGonagall exclaimed in shock.

Sprout only smirked at her, though her cheeks were still tinged scarlet.

"So? Doesn't mean I can't enjoy a nice view, now does it?"

Hooch let her head thump against the wall.

"You two are hopeless!"

"I bet if he were a witch you'd be drooling all over him. Her. Whatever", Vector remarked slyly.

"He's not all that bad as long as you ignore the nose …"

Sprout did sound as if she had a slight crush.

Hooch snorted disgustedly.

"And the hair … and the scowl … and the pallor."

"And that tendency to mock Gryffindor", McGonagall interjected.

That earned her a grin from Sprout, who could not help but tease the other woman mildly.

"You know, Minerva, all that quarrelling and teasing is really somewhat suspicious."

"I can't believe we are discussing this after what Harry just did."

That earned snorts from everyone. It really was an unsubtle tactic to avoid the topic, but then, McGonagall was Head of Gryffindor for a reason.

"So what? Potter isn't evil and Albus will probably sort it out soon", Hooch stated what they all thought. "No reason not to have some fun."

On that note Vector suggested, "Witches, I think we should move this to Rosmerta's. I for one don't want to be overheard."

"Yes, what would the students think?" McGonagall warned.

Sprout grinned.

"They might start to see us as human."

"Hypatia [1] forbid!" Vector exclaimed. "But we won't have to be concerned about the students if Severus catches us at this."

"If I catch you at what?"

It had, of course, to be at that moment that Snape appeared.

"Uh, nothing", the witches dissembled.

It would have been slightly more convincing if they had looked less guilty.

"Nothing to be concerned about, Severus", McGonagall managed to say in her usual brisk manner.

"Now why don't I believe that?"

"Because you're paranoid, Snape?" Hooch asked hopefully.

Snape raised his eyebrows in mock surprise.

"And there I thought you called me a genius."

The witches exchanged acutely embarrassed glances. Their cheeks were blushed various shades of red and violet.

"I for one still have work to do. Good evening to you."

And with that Snape simply left, robes trailing behind him and a sly smirk on his face.

"Did he really …?" Hooch asked in horror.

Sprout was not yet up to speaking again.

"Uh-hu."

"He did", McGonagall confirmed.

"We'll never live that down."

The prediction was made by Hooch, so it was probably more accurate than Trelawney's prophecies.

Vector at least seemed to think so and begged, "Can I just die now, please?"

* * *

[1] Hypatia was an Alexandrine philosopher, mathematician and astronomer. She was – according to everyone's favourite if unquoted source – the first well-documented woman in mathematics. I think it's appropriate for Vector to invoke her rather than Merlin.


End file.
